A Great Throbbing Election
November 27th 2006 14:10
Category: No Category
I don't know how many of you know this, but we had an election recently. By "we", I mean me, my home state, Victoria, here in Australia. Victoria was named after Queen Victoria, affectionately called "Good Queen Bess" because of her long, flowing mane.
Victoria as a state was founded in 1287, but had to wait centuries before they found anywhere to put it, whereupon its inhabitants immediately got bored and began turning over cars. This was in stark contrast to the thrilling lives led to the north in New South Wales (named after England's King South Wales, or "Pig-Iron Bob").
In order to stave off boredom, Victoria held its first elections, in which the Progressive Alcoholic Party beat the Fauntleroys eight goals to three, and elections have been a cherished Victorian tradition ever since.
Despite the tradition's exciting origins, this election was notable, for me, mainly for being so incredibly dull that I didn't actually realise it was on until a good six hours after I left the polling booth. It was, in fact, even more boring than the famous Federal election of 1987, when the electorate became so paralysed by the tedium of the campaign that few people noticed when the Leader of the Opposition actually exploded on live television.
Nevertheless, as a little-read and completely irrelevant weblog with the word "News" in it somewhere, I feel an awesome responsibility to leave some record of the election for future generations.
The Victorian State election of 2006 was contested for the most part between the Australian Labor Party (the GOP) and the Liberal Party (the IAAF). The Labor Party currently holds office in Victoria and is based on principles of the "fair go", the "brotherhood of man" and the "Fosbury Flop". The Liberal Party was the Opposition in this instance and is based on principles of "money".
The Liberals were led by Ted Baillieu, a nine-foot tall man notable for having immense quantities of money and property yet still being unable to afford a decent pair of swimming trunks. The Labor Government is led by Premier Steve Bracks, an ex-schoolteacher notable for getting drunk at golf tournaments.
There were a number of key issues which formed the heart of the election campaign, and on which the two parties formed strong, firmly asserted, clearly differentiated policies:
WATER SHORTAGES
Labor Policy: Under Labor, we will have more water
Liberal Policy: Under Liberal, there will be a greater amount of water than there was before
HEALTH
Labor Policy: We will make sure the health system runs better
Liberal Policy: We will run the health system in a better way
EDUCATION
Labor Policy: We will build more and better schools for everyone
Liberal Policy: We will make sure schools are better. There will also be more of them
PUBLIC TRANSPORT
Labor Policy: Under us, trains will run faster and on time
Liberal Policy: Under us, trains will arrive when they're supposed to and move at a greater speed
There are also a number of minor parties involved in Australian politics and active at a State level, of course, including:
THE NATIONALS: A party made up mainly of honest, god-fearing, salt-of-the-earth hardy traditional Aussies, and cows. Their main policy platforms revolve around improving services for the bush, and making hay more efficient.
THE GREENS: A party mainly made up of inner-city activists, New Age environmentalists, and politically conscious aphids. The Greens campaign for environmental awareness, social justice, greater government accountability, and general ineffectual paleness.
THE DEMOCRATS: A party mainly made up of a guy called Alan and his sister. The Democrats campaign for people to remember who the Democrats are.
FAMILY FIRST: A party mainly made up friends of Jesus, people who just met Jesus at a party once, and anyone else who likes really bad music and has too many children. Family First campaign for policies that favour families, and strongly against people who do not belong to families, such as asexually-producing aliens and radical leftist spores. Family First is powerfully opposed to abortion, drug decriminalisation, permissiveness in entertainment, gay marriage, Satanic rituals, cannibalism, bestiality and fun.
As you can see, voters had much to ponder. Luckily, they had the press to report and interpret the issues in a calm and reasoned way, through time-honoured and effective journalistic methods, such as:
- printing pictures of Ted Baillieu dressed as Elvis, and
- bitching about Muslims
As the campaign began to "heat up", a debate was held on national TV, during which many cogent points were eloquently argued by the two leaders and many "thorny issues" were "thrashed out" and everything would have become much clearer for everyone had anyon at all actually seen it, which they didn't. Which is a shame, since rumour has it that halfway through Steve Bracks actually attacked a cameraman with a switchblade.
Anyway, gradually, and with the slow, awe-inspiring inevitability of a great ocean liner punching you repeatedly in the face, election day rolled around, and all over the state, millions of good citizens turned out to primary schools to clean up the how-to-vote cards that people had thrown on the ground. At many polling booths, violence broke out as voters became enraged with ineffectiveness of their voting pencils and reverted to an animalistic state.
But in the end, all was well as democracy reared its ugly head, the votes were tallied, and once more, Premier Steve Bracks emerged triumphant to embark on a third term. Baillieu immediately responded by jumping into Port Phillip Bay. Unfortunately he was still wearing the Speedos.
Victoria as a state was founded in 1287, but had to wait centuries before they found anywhere to put it, whereupon its inhabitants immediately got bored and began turning over cars. This was in stark contrast to the thrilling lives led to the north in New South Wales (named after England's King South Wales, or "Pig-Iron Bob").
In order to stave off boredom, Victoria held its first elections, in which the Progressive Alcoholic Party beat the Fauntleroys eight goals to three, and elections have been a cherished Victorian tradition ever since.
Despite the tradition's exciting origins, this election was notable, for me, mainly for being so incredibly dull that I didn't actually realise it was on until a good six hours after I left the polling booth. It was, in fact, even more boring than the famous Federal election of 1987, when the electorate became so paralysed by the tedium of the campaign that few people noticed when the Leader of the Opposition actually exploded on live television.
Nevertheless, as a little-read and completely irrelevant weblog with the word "News" in it somewhere, I feel an awesome responsibility to leave some record of the election for future generations.
The Victorian State election of 2006 was contested for the most part between the Australian Labor Party (the GOP) and the Liberal Party (the IAAF). The Labor Party currently holds office in Victoria and is based on principles of the "fair go", the "brotherhood of man" and the "Fosbury Flop". The Liberal Party was the Opposition in this instance and is based on principles of "money".
The Liberals were led by Ted Baillieu, a nine-foot tall man notable for having immense quantities of money and property yet still being unable to afford a decent pair of swimming trunks. The Labor Government is led by Premier Steve Bracks, an ex-schoolteacher notable for getting drunk at golf tournaments.
There were a number of key issues which formed the heart of the election campaign, and on which the two parties formed strong, firmly asserted, clearly differentiated policies:
WATER SHORTAGES
Labor Policy: Under Labor, we will have more water
Liberal Policy: Under Liberal, there will be a greater amount of water than there was before
HEALTH
Labor Policy: We will make sure the health system runs better
Liberal Policy: We will run the health system in a better way
EDUCATION
Labor Policy: We will build more and better schools for everyone
Liberal Policy: We will make sure schools are better. There will also be more of them
PUBLIC TRANSPORT
Labor Policy: Under us, trains will run faster and on time
Liberal Policy: Under us, trains will arrive when they're supposed to and move at a greater speed
There are also a number of minor parties involved in Australian politics and active at a State level, of course, including:
THE NATIONALS: A party made up mainly of honest, god-fearing, salt-of-the-earth hardy traditional Aussies, and cows. Their main policy platforms revolve around improving services for the bush, and making hay more efficient.
THE GREENS: A party mainly made up of inner-city activists, New Age environmentalists, and politically conscious aphids. The Greens campaign for environmental awareness, social justice, greater government accountability, and general ineffectual paleness.
THE DEMOCRATS: A party mainly made up of a guy called Alan and his sister. The Democrats campaign for people to remember who the Democrats are.
FAMILY FIRST: A party mainly made up friends of Jesus, people who just met Jesus at a party once, and anyone else who likes really bad music and has too many children. Family First campaign for policies that favour families, and strongly against people who do not belong to families, such as asexually-producing aliens and radical leftist spores. Family First is powerfully opposed to abortion, drug decriminalisation, permissiveness in entertainment, gay marriage, Satanic rituals, cannibalism, bestiality and fun.
As you can see, voters had much to ponder. Luckily, they had the press to report and interpret the issues in a calm and reasoned way, through time-honoured and effective journalistic methods, such as:
- printing pictures of Ted Baillieu dressed as Elvis, and
- bitching about Muslims
As the campaign began to "heat up", a debate was held on national TV, during which many cogent points were eloquently argued by the two leaders and many "thorny issues" were "thrashed out" and everything would have become much clearer for everyone had anyon at all actually seen it, which they didn't. Which is a shame, since rumour has it that halfway through Steve Bracks actually attacked a cameraman with a switchblade.
Anyway, gradually, and with the slow, awe-inspiring inevitability of a great ocean liner punching you repeatedly in the face, election day rolled around, and all over the state, millions of good citizens turned out to primary schools to clean up the how-to-vote cards that people had thrown on the ground. At many polling booths, violence broke out as voters became enraged with ineffectiveness of their voting pencils and reverted to an animalistic state.
But in the end, all was well as democracy reared its ugly head, the votes were tallied, and once more, Premier Steve Bracks emerged triumphant to embark on a third term. Baillieu immediately responded by jumping into Port Phillip Bay. Unfortunately he was still wearing the Speedos.
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Comment by KC
Makes me want to postal vote right now!
Comment by BenP
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Comment by KC
Comment by BenP