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Taking Back The Deep

September 13th 2006 12:11
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Sometimes here at World News we hear a news story that is so inspirational, so powerful in its uplifting implications of the nobility and indomitability of the human spirit that it quite frankly makes us want to jump right up and stick our head in a bucket of ice.

Such a story is the latest news that some people are killing stingrays in acts of revenge for Steve Irwin's death.

If you've heard a better example of the "can-do" attitude of the Australian people, I'm waiting.


I think it's wonderful that we are finally "taking a stand" against our piscine oppressors. After all, if we let the stingrays think we're weak on the issue, they'll simply gain in confidence and get more and more bold in their outrages. No, appeasement is not the way. We must send a clear and strong message to the stingray community: what you wreak upon us shall return to you tenfold. Mess with humans, and we will choke the beaches with your dead.

Make no mistake: this is a clash of civilisations, people, and as long as we have brave defenders of freedom willing to stand steadfast in the cause of human liberty by killing stingrays and cutting off their tails, we shall prevail.

It's good news all round for the human race here, folks.

I can picture the scene at Secret Underwater Stingray Headquarters now...the President of the United Federation of Stingrays (USF) addressing the General Assembly...

"Brother Stingrays! Our plans for world domination have hit a snag! The humans are onto us! They have uncovered our plot to conquer land-based life forms by assassinating their television personalities, and their revenge has been swift and brutal! We have no choice but to retreat. Perhaps another day we shall return, when the humans are less vigilant. But for now, the highly organised and malicious conspiracy of stingrays must cut its losses and fade away, lest more of our people find themselves tail-less and slaughetered on the sand. Let the word ring out!"


Yes indeed, the news will be flowing quickly through the worldwide stingray network. Stinrays are, after all, renowned not only for their keen intelligence and malevolent personalities, but for their high level of organisation. Don't let any soppy bleeding-heart PETA types tell you this was simply a case of self-defence, or a lone stingray taking matters into his own deranged hands. When this happens, we know that the whole rotten network was involved, and there's only one language that stingrays understand.

Don't let these savage mafiosi of the deep have their way with our cherished liberal democracy. Kill a stingray today for the sake of humanity!

After all, nothing says "enlightened, intelligent, reasonable, morally sophisticated modern human being" like taking collective revenge on an entire species of sea creature.

See you next time.

Got more tales of inspiration and wonder you want to use the mighty force of this blog to share with the world? objieb@people.net.au">Email me!
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Comments
12 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Anonymous

September 13th 2006 14:50
Bravo, Benj!

Le Gateau x

Comment by Anonymous

September 14th 2006 02:02
Absolutely BRILLIANT Ben!!

I really enjoyed it.

Regards
Callalilly

Comment by AllieWonder

September 14th 2006 02:31
Reminds me of the Simpsons where it's humans against the dolphins. LOL I really am imagining a Stingray headquarters now...

Comment by Jas

September 14th 2006 02:39
Your rapier wit slices through mankinds' ignorance with awe-inspiring gusto! Besides all that your post was frickin' awesome.

Comment by Threethumbs

September 14th 2006 03:35
I killed 5 when do i get a medal of courage and honour lol
-threethumbs

Comment by BenP

September 14th 2006 03:41
For ten you get a medal. For five you get a voucher for a free happy meal and a tender kiss on the forehead from a Parliamentarian of your choice.

Comment by BenP

September 14th 2006 03:44
Thanks Jas. Here I always thought of myself as more of a potato peeler than a rapier, there you go.

Comment by Ahmed

September 15th 2006 06:13
hah, I heard of this before.

Though apparently there is quite a possible chance the stingray deaths have nothing to do with steve irwin at all, aparently it's fairly common for sting rays to be killed like this.

Still doesn't warrant some healthy, well placed outrage.

Comment by BenP

September 15th 2006 08:01
For some reason, that does not inspire great confidence in public intelligence either...

Comment by Ahmed

September 15th 2006 16:26
Well to be quite frank it's no use getting hyped over the publics general intelligence..

Comment by Anonymous

February 9th 2007 11:24
Is this message for real or a comedy??
I read it a few times and cant work it out!!
Only a pathetic retard would go out and kill marine species for no reason. Disgusting, have we sunk to saddam's intelligence??

MT

Comment by BenP

February 13th 2007 12:28
Depends what you mean...people really were killing stingrays...and it really is funny.

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