We CAN be Heroes!
October 3rd 2006 15:48
Category: No Category
The day has come at last. The wait is over, feel free to unbate your breath. The suspense has been terrible, but the question that has plagued a generation has finally been answered: Who are John Howard's personal heroes?
Because Howard, Prime Minister of Australia (the country that produces not only poisonous snakes and conspiratorial stingrays, but also this journal of record) has spoken out, bravely and fearlessly, about his love for the three "towering figures" of the 20th century.
Who are they? Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, and Pope John Paul II. These three, Howard feels, stand out because of their "moral clarity".
And we must admit, history does owe a debt of gratitude to these three great men. (admittedly, one of the three was a woman - can you guess which one? Give it a try!)
Reagan, as Howard so cleverly pointed out, branded the Soviet Union the "evil empire", thus creating an almighty turning point in the Cold War, his statement being the catalyst for the Soviet defeat by the Ewoks in Afghanistan. In fact, until Reagan uttered these words, the communists were perfectly happy. Being called "evil" caused them to sit down and have a good long think about what they had done. They came to the conclusion that, all in all, the whole communism thing had been a bit silly and they'd better give it up straightaway. They handed in their picks to the California Highway Patrol that afternoon.
It's only tragic that nobody before Reagan thought to call the Russians names. So many years of nuclear tensions could have been avoided.
Reagan also used to call his wife "Mommy",and I think we can all agree there's no better recommendation for a role model than THAT.
Thatcher, on the other hand, was a completely different kettle of fish. Literally. I'm pretty sure Margaret Thatcher is actually still alive, or at least undead. She will, most likely, not die until the correct incantations have been uncovered in some dusty library.
Howard says that Thatcher "as well as anyone grasped and articulated the essential connection of personal, political and economic freedom". He has a point there. She showed, during her time in power in Great Britain, that nobody can really be personally free until they are economically free, that is free from economics, or to put it more simply, free from money.
Having a job and an income, Thatcher realised in that canny, forward-thinking, psychotic-eyed way of hers, only restricted the working classes. Give them freedom from these burdens, and they would enjoy all sorts of freedoms, like the freedom to sleep in bus shelters, or the freedom to die of starvation and therefore not vote against Margaret Thatcher. Not that anybody ever did vote against Margaret Thatcher. If they did, she would have killed them with her heat vision. She only lost power, in the end, when John Major donned a magic helmet and cut her head off whilst avoiding looking at her directly.
Her legacy lives on in several million films about people regaining a sense of dignity after having lost their jobs by taking their clothes off or playing in brass bands or sending their sons to ballet school. The sequels to these movies, where the newly dignified unemployed folk are thrown out of their hosues and freeze to death on the moor, being found half-eaten by wandering dogs, are less popular.
The third member of Howard's team of Super Friends is of course, the Pope. The last one, not this one. The last one's name was John Paul 2: Revenge of the Cassock, while the current Pope's official name is General Von Thumb-Crusher.
What John Paul actually did is still a matter of debate. Some historians strongly claim that he did, sometime, somewhere, make a speech "about something or other, peace maybe?" Here at World News, however, we side with Howard on the issue mainly because of the enormous contribution the late Pope made to the world in the fields of wearing large dresses and drooling in public.
I think we could all take a leaf out of John Howard's book. Find those people who bestrode the earth like giants, and follow their teachings. We too can live our lives like Ronald, Margaret and John Paul. Let's wipe out the scourge upon the planet that is known as "The Left". Let's usher in a new era. An era of privatisation, an era of church-going, an era of rarely-seen cowboy movies, an era of silly cars, an era of regular naps, an era of eating babies.
If you're not Right, that makes you Wrong. Or to put it more bluntly, a terrorist.
Because Howard, Prime Minister of Australia (the country that produces not only poisonous snakes and conspiratorial stingrays, but also this journal of record) has spoken out, bravely and fearlessly, about his love for the three "towering figures" of the 20th century.
Who are they? Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, and Pope John Paul II. These three, Howard feels, stand out because of their "moral clarity".
And we must admit, history does owe a debt of gratitude to these three great men. (admittedly, one of the three was a woman - can you guess which one? Give it a try!)
Reagan, as Howard so cleverly pointed out, branded the Soviet Union the "evil empire", thus creating an almighty turning point in the Cold War, his statement being the catalyst for the Soviet defeat by the Ewoks in Afghanistan. In fact, until Reagan uttered these words, the communists were perfectly happy. Being called "evil" caused them to sit down and have a good long think about what they had done. They came to the conclusion that, all in all, the whole communism thing had been a bit silly and they'd better give it up straightaway. They handed in their picks to the California Highway Patrol that afternoon.
It's only tragic that nobody before Reagan thought to call the Russians names. So many years of nuclear tensions could have been avoided.
Reagan also used to call his wife "Mommy",and I think we can all agree there's no better recommendation for a role model than THAT.
Thatcher, on the other hand, was a completely different kettle of fish. Literally. I'm pretty sure Margaret Thatcher is actually still alive, or at least undead. She will, most likely, not die until the correct incantations have been uncovered in some dusty library.
Howard says that Thatcher "as well as anyone grasped and articulated the essential connection of personal, political and economic freedom". He has a point there. She showed, during her time in power in Great Britain, that nobody can really be personally free until they are economically free, that is free from economics, or to put it more simply, free from money.
Having a job and an income, Thatcher realised in that canny, forward-thinking, psychotic-eyed way of hers, only restricted the working classes. Give them freedom from these burdens, and they would enjoy all sorts of freedoms, like the freedom to sleep in bus shelters, or the freedom to die of starvation and therefore not vote against Margaret Thatcher. Not that anybody ever did vote against Margaret Thatcher. If they did, she would have killed them with her heat vision. She only lost power, in the end, when John Major donned a magic helmet and cut her head off whilst avoiding looking at her directly.
Her legacy lives on in several million films about people regaining a sense of dignity after having lost their jobs by taking their clothes off or playing in brass bands or sending their sons to ballet school. The sequels to these movies, where the newly dignified unemployed folk are thrown out of their hosues and freeze to death on the moor, being found half-eaten by wandering dogs, are less popular.
The third member of Howard's team of Super Friends is of course, the Pope. The last one, not this one. The last one's name was John Paul 2: Revenge of the Cassock, while the current Pope's official name is General Von Thumb-Crusher.
What John Paul actually did is still a matter of debate. Some historians strongly claim that he did, sometime, somewhere, make a speech "about something or other, peace maybe?" Here at World News, however, we side with Howard on the issue mainly because of the enormous contribution the late Pope made to the world in the fields of wearing large dresses and drooling in public.
I think we could all take a leaf out of John Howard's book. Find those people who bestrode the earth like giants, and follow their teachings. We too can live our lives like Ronald, Margaret and John Paul. Let's wipe out the scourge upon the planet that is known as "The Left". Let's usher in a new era. An era of privatisation, an era of church-going, an era of rarely-seen cowboy movies, an era of silly cars, an era of regular naps, an era of eating babies.
If you're not Right, that makes you Wrong. Or to put it more bluntly, a terrorist.
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