E-Z Geopolitics: This Week, North Korea
October 15th 2006 18:43
Category: No Category
This week's reader's letter comes from Trixie Crispin, a haemophiliac paralegal from Mooloolooba, who writes:
"This whole North Korea thing - what's up with that? Eh?"
It would be remiss of me if I didn't make the effort here, therefore, to explain the North Korean situation in simple, easy-to-understand terms that even a child of six or seven would find comprehensible assuming they weren't one of those slow six or seven-year-olds you sometimes see walking around, banging into windows and such.
First, a little history: North Korea was invented in 1972 by Alan Alda, but in 1976 was taken over by communists, who institued sweeping reforms, such as a massive military build-up, strong centralised government, banning lunch, etc.
This upset the Western Powers (England, France, Australia, Germany, Delta Burke, etc.), who declared North Korea a "rogue state". A rogue state is similar to a rogue elephant, but with missiles (note: one of the western world's greatest fears is that rogue elephants will develop missile technology, thus making them nature's perfect killing machine).
In the years since, North Korea has followed a staunchly isolationist foreign policy, sending rude emails to Washington and criminalising the sale of Aqua CDs. But it is only in recent times that North Korea has become what is known as a "nuclear threat", defined as "a threat with at least one proton and one electron".
Currently, you see, the "nuclear club is a very exclusive one, consisting of the US, Britain, France, Russia, India, Pakistan, China, and The Body Shop. Since few nations have the bomb, the world is relatively safe, since all those countries have promised never to use them except in a case of last resort, like if Cuba sneezes or something, because everyone knows if they nuke someone, they'll get nuked back. This doctrine is known as Mutually Assured Destruction, or MAD, after the satirical magazine it was based on.
The trouble is that MAD becomes shaky if North Korea develops nuclear weapons, because under the leadership of president Kim Jong-Il (or as he is affectionately known by his people, "Trapper John"), it is what might be called by analysts "unpredictable", or by other analysts "bat-f*cking crazy". These wacky analysts, always inserting amusing asterisks!
Kim Jong-Il, you see, is something of a "loose cannon", a "maverick outlaw", or "dribbling maniac", whose first act upon coming into office was to declare April 14 National Horse-Nuzzling Day, and whose latest act as president has been to make bark-eating compulsory. Now there is talk that he has tested a nuclear device, and as Australian PM John Howard so eloquently put it, there is a real and urgent danger that one of these days he might lose control and...test another one.
The fear is that if North Korea has an atom bomb, it might do something rash with it, like baking it into a cake and sending it to George Bush for his birthday. This would ruin any party, and the UN is anxious to avoid any awkwardness of this kind. They have therefore passed a resolution specirfying that:
1. North Korea is NOT to develop nuclear weaponry between the hours of 6am and 6pm
2. North Korea is NOT to test nuclear bombs on days of Total Fire Ban.
3. Kim Jong-Il MUST report to the UN every fortnight with an estimate of his earnings and the details of at least four employers he has applied to during that time.
4. George Bush is NOT to accept any suspicious cakes from overseas, even if he is really drunk
5. Pyongyang MUST change its name to something less comical
6. Radar WAS played by Gary Burghoff
This is all well and good for a temporary measure, but the international community is overlooking an obvious solution which is staring them in face, a surefire successful course of action that, if implemented, will guarantee worldwide peace and stability, allow all sides to emerge from the crisis with pride intact, and allow North korea to engage more meaningfully with the outside world and become more propserous, putting an end to the crippling poverty decimating its citizenry.
That course of action is quite absurdly simple. All that need be done is
WORD LIMIT REACHED. ARTICLE TERMINATED.
"This whole North Korea thing - what's up with that? Eh?"
It would be remiss of me if I didn't make the effort here, therefore, to explain the North Korean situation in simple, easy-to-understand terms that even a child of six or seven would find comprehensible assuming they weren't one of those slow six or seven-year-olds you sometimes see walking around, banging into windows and such.
First, a little history: North Korea was invented in 1972 by Alan Alda, but in 1976 was taken over by communists, who institued sweeping reforms, such as a massive military build-up, strong centralised government, banning lunch, etc.
This upset the Western Powers (England, France, Australia, Germany, Delta Burke, etc.), who declared North Korea a "rogue state". A rogue state is similar to a rogue elephant, but with missiles (note: one of the western world's greatest fears is that rogue elephants will develop missile technology, thus making them nature's perfect killing machine).
In the years since, North Korea has followed a staunchly isolationist foreign policy, sending rude emails to Washington and criminalising the sale of Aqua CDs. But it is only in recent times that North Korea has become what is known as a "nuclear threat", defined as "a threat with at least one proton and one electron".
Currently, you see, the "nuclear club is a very exclusive one, consisting of the US, Britain, France, Russia, India, Pakistan, China, and The Body Shop. Since few nations have the bomb, the world is relatively safe, since all those countries have promised never to use them except in a case of last resort, like if Cuba sneezes or something, because everyone knows if they nuke someone, they'll get nuked back. This doctrine is known as Mutually Assured Destruction, or MAD, after the satirical magazine it was based on.
The trouble is that MAD becomes shaky if North Korea develops nuclear weapons, because under the leadership of president Kim Jong-Il (or as he is affectionately known by his people, "Trapper John"), it is what might be called by analysts "unpredictable", or by other analysts "bat-f*cking crazy". These wacky analysts, always inserting amusing asterisks!
Kim Jong-Il, you see, is something of a "loose cannon", a "maverick outlaw", or "dribbling maniac", whose first act upon coming into office was to declare April 14 National Horse-Nuzzling Day, and whose latest act as president has been to make bark-eating compulsory. Now there is talk that he has tested a nuclear device, and as Australian PM John Howard so eloquently put it, there is a real and urgent danger that one of these days he might lose control and...test another one.
The fear is that if North Korea has an atom bomb, it might do something rash with it, like baking it into a cake and sending it to George Bush for his birthday. This would ruin any party, and the UN is anxious to avoid any awkwardness of this kind. They have therefore passed a resolution specirfying that:
1. North Korea is NOT to develop nuclear weaponry between the hours of 6am and 6pm
2. North Korea is NOT to test nuclear bombs on days of Total Fire Ban.
3. Kim Jong-Il MUST report to the UN every fortnight with an estimate of his earnings and the details of at least four employers he has applied to during that time.
4. George Bush is NOT to accept any suspicious cakes from overseas, even if he is really drunk
5. Pyongyang MUST change its name to something less comical
6. Radar WAS played by Gary Burghoff
This is all well and good for a temporary measure, but the international community is overlooking an obvious solution which is staring them in face, a surefire successful course of action that, if implemented, will guarantee worldwide peace and stability, allow all sides to emerge from the crisis with pride intact, and allow North korea to engage more meaningfully with the outside world and become more propserous, putting an end to the crippling poverty decimating its citizenry.
That course of action is quite absurdly simple. All that need be done is
WORD LIMIT REACHED. ARTICLE TERMINATED.
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