NEWS: Wave of Aptness Terrifies Celebrities
September 8th 2006 13:38
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Just days after wildlife doco star Steve Irwin's death while making a wildlife doco, Australian motor racing superstar Peter Brock has died while competing in a motor race, sparking fears amongst other celebrities that a tide of appropriate deaths could be about to cut a swathe through the ranks of the rich and famous.
Dr Martin Monktickler of Yale University explains that the crisis could have a genetic basis:
"The 'Mortis Aptus' gene is one only recently discovered, and it can, when activated, cause death in a very abrupt and extremely fitting way," said Dr Monktickler, eyes darting quickly back and forth and running away. His colleague Prof Amanda Pebbletongue elaborated:
"The main evolutionary advantage that caused this gene to develop appears to be its unerring capacity to provide opportunities for pundits and commentators to say 'well, at least he died doing what he loved'."
These words appear to be borne out, not only by the tragic demises of Irwin and Brock, but by this week's less-publicised death of beloved Australian novelist Colin Thiele from an infected papercut, as well as this morning's unconfirmed report of the death of lifestyle empress Martha Stewart, killed instantly by an exploding crockpot, and the recent hospitalisation of film star and director Mel Gibson, trapped beneath a collapsing synagogue wall, paint can still in hand.
At the moment, there is no known cure for the disorder caused by this mutant gene, and authorities have cautioned against undue panic, advising all well-loved celebrities to stay calm and remain indoors, and warning Paris Hilton to watch out for choking hazards.
Dr Martin Monktickler of Yale University explains that the crisis could have a genetic basis:
"The 'Mortis Aptus' gene is one only recently discovered, and it can, when activated, cause death in a very abrupt and extremely fitting way," said Dr Monktickler, eyes darting quickly back and forth and running away. His colleague Prof Amanda Pebbletongue elaborated:
"The main evolutionary advantage that caused this gene to develop appears to be its unerring capacity to provide opportunities for pundits and commentators to say 'well, at least he died doing what he loved'."
These words appear to be borne out, not only by the tragic demises of Irwin and Brock, but by this week's less-publicised death of beloved Australian novelist Colin Thiele from an infected papercut, as well as this morning's unconfirmed report of the death of lifestyle empress Martha Stewart, killed instantly by an exploding crockpot, and the recent hospitalisation of film star and director Mel Gibson, trapped beneath a collapsing synagogue wall, paint can still in hand.
At the moment, there is no known cure for the disorder caused by this mutant gene, and authorities have cautioned against undue panic, advising all well-loved celebrities to stay calm and remain indoors, and warning Paris Hilton to watch out for choking hazards.
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