The Future Is Bright
September 23rd 2006 12:53
Category: No Category
This week we dust off the World News Crystal Ball, and looking ahead, we are pleased to bring you this EXCLUSIVE look at a conversation recorded two years in the future, when our glorious leader Kim Beazley has come to power, and enacted his plan to thwart wrongdoers by forcing all entrants to the country sign a statement agreeing to adhere to Australian values. The conversation is between a would-be terrorist and his evil terrorist overlords, and is brought to you by 3 Mobile.
TERRORIST: Hello, is this the evil terrorist overlords?
OVERLORDS: Speaking.
TERRORIST: Hi, this is your jihadist operative, calling from Australia.
OVERLORDS: Excellent! How are you?
TERRORIST: I’m good, I’m good. Keeping out of trouble, ha ha ha.
OVERLORDS: Ha ha ha.
TERRORIST: Ah…so anyway…
OVERLORDS: Yes, yes, down to business. Ready to carry out our glorious death-bringing plan? Ready to smite those infidels?
TERRORIST: Er…yeah, that’s actually why I’m calling…
OVERLORDS: Yes?
TERRORIST: I don’t think I can do the bombing thing.
OVERLORDS: WHAT? Why the hell not, I say! Not enough explosives, not enough duct tape?
TERRORIST: No, no, that’s all fine.
OVERLORDS: Well, what is it then?
TERRORIST: Well, I was going through Customs…
OVERLORDS:Yes….
TERRORIST: And it was all going very well, you know, they bought the whole “my lifelong dream is to be a taxi driver” bit, and you were right – they actually did think you could tell a real laptop from a bomb just by turning it on.
OVERLORDS: Excellent…
TERRORIST: And I thought they were going to let me go and start beating the woman behind me for carrying a pear when… (sob)
OVERLORDS: What? What is it?
TERRORIST: They stopped me and gave me a form to sign…
OVERLORDS: A form? What is this trickery?
TERRORIST: You see, it was a form, they made me sign it…
OVERLORDS: And what was on this mysterious form?
TERRORIST: It said I promised to always follow Australian values?
OVERLORDS: Values? By Allah, I do not understand!
TERRORIST: Well, it was just, you know, koalas, pies, homophobia, what you’d expect. But…but…there was one…oh Mohammed I’m so sorry!
OVERLORDS: Tell us! What is it? What has upset you so?
TERRORIST: Well…apparently one of the main Australian values is…(sob) oh I can’t go on…a main Australian value is…NOT BEING A TERRORIST AND BLOWING PEOPLE UP!
OVERLORDS: WHAT????????????????????????
TERRORIST: It said so on the form! And I had to sign it to get in!
OVERLORDS: My God, will the fiendish ingenuity of the infidels never cease? What Machiavellian genius implemented this scheme.
TERRORIST: They call him Beazley. He is the White Devils’ greatest champion.
OVERLORDS: No blowing people up? Well, that’s it then.
TERRORIST: I suppose I could give it a try anyway…
OVERLORDS: No, no, it’s no good. You signed the form and…wait! There may be a loophole! Did you sign it with a pencil?
TERRORIST: No, a pen.
OVERLORDS: Dammit! Their cleverness must truly come straight from Satan. Well, then, that’s it. We may as well just pack up.
TERRORIST: No! But…overlords, the plan…the caliphate…the world domination…
OVERLORDS: No, no, we’re finished. Going on now would be a grotesque charade. Now the Westerners have discovered binding forms, there will be no resisting them, no breaking their defences. Disband worldwide terrorism immediately!
TERRORIST: Sigh…I suppose you’re right.
OVERLORDS: Yes, indeed…insane homicidal radical theocrats the world over will forever curse the day this "Beazley" was born…this mightiest, most brilliant of Christian warriors…foiler of plots, smiter of bombers…the man who, with a stroke of a photocopier, ended terrorism forever and brought an accursed peace to the earth that will surely last for all eternity.
Know about some other fearless defenders of freedom taking the world on? objieb@people.net.au">Email me!
TERRORIST: Hello, is this the evil terrorist overlords?
OVERLORDS: Speaking.
TERRORIST: Hi, this is your jihadist operative, calling from Australia.
OVERLORDS: Excellent! How are you?
TERRORIST: I’m good, I’m good. Keeping out of trouble, ha ha ha.
OVERLORDS: Ha ha ha.
TERRORIST: Ah…so anyway…
OVERLORDS: Yes, yes, down to business. Ready to carry out our glorious death-bringing plan? Ready to smite those infidels?
TERRORIST: Er…yeah, that’s actually why I’m calling…
OVERLORDS: Yes?
TERRORIST: I don’t think I can do the bombing thing.
OVERLORDS: WHAT? Why the hell not, I say! Not enough explosives, not enough duct tape?
TERRORIST: No, no, that’s all fine.
OVERLORDS: Well, what is it then?
TERRORIST: Well, I was going through Customs…
OVERLORDS:Yes….
TERRORIST: And it was all going very well, you know, they bought the whole “my lifelong dream is to be a taxi driver” bit, and you were right – they actually did think you could tell a real laptop from a bomb just by turning it on.
OVERLORDS: Excellent…
TERRORIST: And I thought they were going to let me go and start beating the woman behind me for carrying a pear when… (sob)
OVERLORDS: What? What is it?
TERRORIST: They stopped me and gave me a form to sign…
OVERLORDS: A form? What is this trickery?
TERRORIST: You see, it was a form, they made me sign it…
OVERLORDS: And what was on this mysterious form?
TERRORIST: It said I promised to always follow Australian values?
OVERLORDS: Values? By Allah, I do not understand!
TERRORIST: Well, it was just, you know, koalas, pies, homophobia, what you’d expect. But…but…there was one…oh Mohammed I’m so sorry!
OVERLORDS: Tell us! What is it? What has upset you so?
TERRORIST: Well…apparently one of the main Australian values is…(sob) oh I can’t go on…a main Australian value is…NOT BEING A TERRORIST AND BLOWING PEOPLE UP!
OVERLORDS: WHAT????????????????????????
TERRORIST: It said so on the form! And I had to sign it to get in!
OVERLORDS: My God, will the fiendish ingenuity of the infidels never cease? What Machiavellian genius implemented this scheme.
TERRORIST: They call him Beazley. He is the White Devils’ greatest champion.
OVERLORDS: No blowing people up? Well, that’s it then.
TERRORIST: I suppose I could give it a try anyway…
OVERLORDS: No, no, it’s no good. You signed the form and…wait! There may be a loophole! Did you sign it with a pencil?
TERRORIST: No, a pen.
OVERLORDS: Dammit! Their cleverness must truly come straight from Satan. Well, then, that’s it. We may as well just pack up.
TERRORIST: No! But…overlords, the plan…the caliphate…the world domination…
OVERLORDS: No, no, we’re finished. Going on now would be a grotesque charade. Now the Westerners have discovered binding forms, there will be no resisting them, no breaking their defences. Disband worldwide terrorism immediately!
TERRORIST: Sigh…I suppose you’re right.
OVERLORDS: Yes, indeed…insane homicidal radical theocrats the world over will forever curse the day this "Beazley" was born…this mightiest, most brilliant of Christian warriors…foiler of plots, smiter of bombers…the man who, with a stroke of a photocopier, ended terrorism forever and brought an accursed peace to the earth that will surely last for all eternity.
Know about some other fearless defenders of freedom taking the world on? objieb@people.net.au">Email me!
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Comment by AllieWonder
Comment by Anonymous
and such genius is why I refer to you as 'a genius.'
see how it all adds up?
Comment by BenP
Comment by Abby