Bananas - getting the help they need
September 3rd 2006 23:45
Category: No Category
Today: Bananas.
Bananas are a "hot topic" these days because of Cyclone Larry, a ferocious storm that invaded northern Australia earlier this year, wearing a baseball hat and burping frequently, destroying houses, farms, valuable antique rockmelons, etc.
So now, because Cyclone Larry ruined all the bananas in north Queensland, banana sellers in other parts of Australia have seen a niche ("niche" being a French word meaning "way to strip people down to their fillings") and the price of bananas has shot up, to the point where many people are hiring out their bananas for short holiday rentals to provide a lucrative second income.
But the crisis has created a greater fear: the possibility of...evil foreign bananas infiltrating our borders!
You may scoff, but it's not so long ago that Prime Minister Menzies warned us of the Yellow Peril, and I think we all now know what he was driving at. Do we want inscrutable oriental bananas skulking about our cities, taking our jobs and smoking confusing pipes?
Of course not, which is why it was an enormous relief to hear that the Government has slapped a ban on imported bananas.
(ASIDE- why do governments always "slap" bans on things? "Government slaps ban on public drinking" etc. Makes it sound like the Prime Minister is going around with a roller, wallpapering objectionable objects and citizens.)
Admittedly, security has already been compromised by a shipment of frozen bananas from Vietnam, as the article states, but this is no cause for alarm, for two reasons:
1) The bananas were frozen, thus neutralising their inherent evil.
2) Vietnam, as we know, does not actually exist, so we can come to the reassuring conclusion that these bananas probably do not really exist either, and are just the products of a fevered imagination, like Stephanie McIntosh.
The main point is that, as Minister for Agriculture Peter McGauran says, any bananas coming from overseas have been "extensively treated". I assume this means they have been pasteurised, shampooed, rust-proofed, psycho-analysed, etc. This too is reassuring. We certainly do not want maladjusted bananas. It would probably be a good idea to treat all bananas with a comprehensive psychological review before putting them on sale. God only knows what could happen, but I imagine it would look something like this .
So, in summary:
-We must always make sure we remain vigilant against the threat of foreign bananas arriving to steal our women.
-Any bananas that ARE imported should be frozen to filter out the wickedness, preferably using a futuristic freeze ray such as that used by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman and Robin.
-All bananas must be treated before consumption, including mumps inoculations and Freudian analysis. Those judged unfit to join decent society should be publicly burnt with accompanying sound effects.
This is the only way to protect Australia's vibrant and dynamic monkey community.
See you next time.
Noticed something in the news that NEEDS addressing? objieb@people.net.au">Email me!
Bananas are a "hot topic" these days because of Cyclone Larry, a ferocious storm that invaded northern Australia earlier this year, wearing a baseball hat and burping frequently, destroying houses, farms, valuable antique rockmelons, etc.
So now, because Cyclone Larry ruined all the bananas in north Queensland, banana sellers in other parts of Australia have seen a niche ("niche" being a French word meaning "way to strip people down to their fillings") and the price of bananas has shot up, to the point where many people are hiring out their bananas for short holiday rentals to provide a lucrative second income.
But the crisis has created a greater fear: the possibility of...evil foreign bananas infiltrating our borders!
You may scoff, but it's not so long ago that Prime Minister Menzies warned us of the Yellow Peril, and I think we all now know what he was driving at. Do we want inscrutable oriental bananas skulking about our cities, taking our jobs and smoking confusing pipes?
Of course not, which is why it was an enormous relief to hear that the Government has slapped a ban on imported bananas.
(ASIDE- why do governments always "slap" bans on things? "Government slaps ban on public drinking" etc. Makes it sound like the Prime Minister is going around with a roller, wallpapering objectionable objects and citizens.)
Admittedly, security has already been compromised by a shipment of frozen bananas from Vietnam, as the article states, but this is no cause for alarm, for two reasons:
1) The bananas were frozen, thus neutralising their inherent evil.
2) Vietnam, as we know, does not actually exist, so we can come to the reassuring conclusion that these bananas probably do not really exist either, and are just the products of a fevered imagination, like Stephanie McIntosh.
The main point is that, as Minister for Agriculture Peter McGauran says, any bananas coming from overseas have been "extensively treated". I assume this means they have been pasteurised, shampooed, rust-proofed, psycho-analysed, etc. This too is reassuring. We certainly do not want maladjusted bananas. It would probably be a good idea to treat all bananas with a comprehensive psychological review before putting them on sale. God only knows what could happen, but I imagine it would look something like this .
So, in summary:
-We must always make sure we remain vigilant against the threat of foreign bananas arriving to steal our women.
-Any bananas that ARE imported should be frozen to filter out the wickedness, preferably using a futuristic freeze ray such as that used by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman and Robin.
-All bananas must be treated before consumption, including mumps inoculations and Freudian analysis. Those judged unfit to join decent society should be publicly burnt with accompanying sound effects.
This is the only way to protect Australia's vibrant and dynamic monkey community.
See you next time.
Noticed something in the news that NEEDS addressing? objieb@people.net.au">Email me!
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